This isn't working

I wanted to write today. I did write because, as you can see there is a previous post. I also wrote a word file that I didn't post. It's another snippet of my life, but written in the third person. I thought that I might like writing that way better. It didn't work though. I feel that I don't know what to write, unless I'm just journalling like this. But who would want to read this? I don't even want to read it when I look back at it a few days later. It's just not that interesting.

I can tell you what I'm thinking. Do you care? Does anybody read this? If a writer writes on a blog that nobody reads, does she make a sound? Are my written, unread words profound?

I've made two entries in a writing contest. I made no impression on anybody. I think that entering contests isn't for me. I'm too easily discouraged at this point. The contests are for short stories, too. I'm not a big fan of short stories. I like stories that are long enough that I get to know and like the characters. In fact, that's one of the reasons I started thinking about writing. I read and loved JK Rowling's books so much and missed her characters so much. I kept looking and looking for another series that would be as interesting and satisfying as hers and couldn't find one. I would sit and read and mentally edit the books i was reading, thinking if they had only done it this way or that way, then it would be so much better. I suppose I could take one of those disappointing books and rewrite it the way I like books to be written. But that would be stealing. I want to use my own ideas. If only I had one.

So, I've been reading a book called "The Right to Write". The author sys that good writing is honest writing. I'm being honest here. I'm frustrated, because I thought that writing might be something I could do and still be a decent mother - the way I want to be a mother. But, no ideas. Just dribble.

I think part of my problem is that I want the whole story to sort of appear before my eyes, my mind's eye. Maybe it doesn't work that way. Maybe if I could just imagine a character that I'd like to write about. I could create a friend for myself - a friend to occupy my mind.

Were I to create a friend, what would she be like? an amalgamation of all of my previous friends. Smart like - ah see. Here I hesitate. I don't want to insult anyone. I guess writers insult a lot of people. If they write about you, you can get insulted. If they don't, then you feel slighted because they left you out.

Interesting that I started with smart, isn't it?

So, smart like Karen, is what I was thinking. Mischievous like Laura. Outspoken like Claire. Sophisticated like Odile. Sincere like Pauline. These are all friends I haven't spent much time with in the last 20 years. What do they have in common? They know me quite well. They are not shy. They are all intelligent. They all work and most have children.

What would I like them to do? I don't know.